Just the thought of having to be around ugly people is enough to make me cringe. Now, you are going to try to show me how to actually lead them?
RUN………………….!!!
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Now before you go assuming that you know what I am talking about, please let me explain what I mean about “how to lead ugly people.”
First of all, you are probably incorrect about what I am meaning and where I am going with this line of thinking about leading “ugly people.” So, to be perfectly clear, I am not talking about people who you think are physically unattractive, not appealing to look at, or downright “fugly” (very-ugly) in appearance.
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Although people who fit this description in your mind might make it into this equation later for your recipe of success, let’s not take personal appearance into consideration for this journey. I will provide a definition of “ugly” in a bit…
Secondly, your definition of “ugly” is yours and nobody else’s. You can decide who or what is ugly to you. So, whatever you decide defines “ugly” based on your own tastes, your past experiences, or your formula for “yuck,” it is okay with me.
For the sake of brevity, let’s just use the word “offensive” for the word “ugly” so that we all can move on from any tangentory preconceptions.
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So, how do you lead offensive people? The answer is breathtakingly easy. To give you perspective, let me ask you this question: “How do you lead the attractive?”
The answer to both of the questions is the same. You lead them in a way that is attractive to them to want to follow. You tap into their primary motivators and package yourself as something positive, desirable, and profitable for them to pursue. It really doesn’t matter if they are attractive or offensive. That is in your mind. Leading effectively is much more tactical and easy when you think about what the other person wants out of the equation.
Another way to phrase it was the way a client named Alex once explained to me. He said that his sister once told him this leadership advice: “Just pretend in your mind that you want them to date you. By doing that, you will package yourself as desirable to them; you will behave in a way that is attractive to them and you’ll have a better shot at getting them to do what you want.” So, this is what Alex did. And it seemed to pay off.
Wow! Leadership meets The Dating Game.
Alex told me this leadership tidbit at an annual sales managers’ event. By my observation and interactions, he seemed to be one of the most liked and most influential of all of the 300 managers at the event. I saw him interact with his direct reports and saw him implement his sister’s approach. His approach worked with anyone he lead. Alex was influential with everyone ranging from his top performers to the ones that he later confessed he didn’t like at all.
You see, to this leader, it didn’t matter if he personally liked his follower or not. He didn’t look at them in terms of how he felt about them. If they were a top performer for him (attractive,) or if they were somehow offensive to him (ugly,) he led them the same way. He thought about their point of view and groomed himself toward that.
Just like in dating, Alex applied a practical set of behaviors to get him what he wanted. He groomed himself for a relationship with the people he needed to perform for him. He did this on a very personal (but not too personal, mind you…) basis. Alex took the time to consider what would be attractive to each of the people he led and presented himself appropriately for each of them. He looked on their inside (their values, strengths, hopes, and dreams, etc.), not on their outside (their appearance, gender, race, opinions, emotional baggage, habits, past mistakes, and bad breath, etc.) and created authentic followers who worked really hard for him.
Essentially, Alex found out what “made them tick” and created an individual recipe for leading each of them.
So, how do you lead ugly people? You look past the superficial things that cause you problems and mature yourself to the point where you can view that one who offends you as a hurting person “who has some issues.” You lead them in a manner that is consistent with who they are and how they best fit within the program and agenda. You groom your attitude toward them to think of them as a qualified person who can add value to you, the project, and the intended goal.
Surprisingly, there is a present waiting for you when you go down this leadership pathway. When you adjust your attitude and set your sights on larger things, the ugliness in people seems to go away and you are left to just lead “people.”
So, how are you going about finding that next offensive person and adjusting your attitude toward them? How are you preparing yourself to know how to lead specific individuals better? How are you looking to people on the inside and not on the outside? I would love to hear your thoughts!
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Tom Schulte is Executive Director of Linked 2 Leadership
He provides leadership training fit for the Blackberry-Attention-Span
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Very clever article with valid points. I love the reference to The Dating Game Show. I hate to admit this, but I used to watch it all the time. Finding what is important to people and what makes them “tick” is a principle that could be applied to many types of businesses and to life.
Hi Tom,
This a wonderful article with an almost “inflammatory” title.
And I really loved it. Thank you for that!
We operate quite differently – in our transformational team building work we put the responsibility and accountabilty for behavior and professionalism into the hands of the entire team – be they attractive or currently unattractive team players.
Through their own agreements they then lead themselves into a powerful future together – with their traditional leaders and managers.
Here follows some feedback from a recent client…
CONSULATE GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
March 31, 2009
Dear Brian,
On behalf of “Team U.S.” from the U.S. Consulate General in xxxxxxx, I write to extend our appreciation to the entire Mthimkhulu team for an unparalleled experience in cultural sensitization and team-building!
The two-day session with Mthimkhulu made our diverse team stronger and more supportive of one another. We have participated in team-building activities for the past several years, but many of my colleagues told me that Mthimkhulu’s program was by far the most meaningful and most effective in fostering good communication, mutual respect, and a strong spirit of cooperation among our multi-cultural staff– “exactly what was needed” in the words of one staff member.
I particularly appreciate your thoughtfulness and absolute dedication to Mthimkhulu’s goal of “bringing change to the world,” which came across in all that you did, and made the session so worthwhile. Your organization was selected to conduct our team-building in large measure because follow-through beyond the event is an integral part of your method. We did not desire a once-off feel good event. You more than met our expectations, providing a kick-start and a path for us to engage in a fun but serious process of continually developing and nurturing our Consulate team.
I look forward to staying in contact with you and your team so that we can maintan the positive impact of our Mthimkhulu experience.
With sincere thanks and warm regards,
Consul General
Sorry Tom,
I forgot to mention that your thoughts and vision really add to us!
Alex, I used this method too and call it different strokes for different folks.
I came across problems in being able to identify the inner traits of people. Sometimes I tend to become too probing and sometimes maybe too aloof to really get anything of significance.
Though this sounds doable, its a lot of effort and chances of failure are many. Any advise on this?
My 5cents worth is that you are describing ‘Diagnosis Bias’ – when we label somebody attractive, high performer, good worker we create a positive expectation (Pygmalion/Rosenthal effect). When we label people as bad, ugly, low performers we create negative expectations and will filter out any good that they do.
I totally agree that to lead either group you must create a positive image in their mind, see http://selfleadership.com/blog/topic/leadership/change-a-behaviour-coach-your-children-and-other-forms-of-influence/
Cheers!
thanks for the interesting article and comparision of dating to leading!
I would also add that you can look inward – self management. What is it about them that you find offensive? What can you learn about yourself here? What button of yours are they pushing and how do you want to manage that? For them and others that will push those same buttons.
Hi Tom,
Great piece on how to lead ugly people. Some equally good responses also.
In addition I have found that once you have the depth of relationship with your team, you are free to “raise the bar” in terms of your joint expectations. Once teams engage in this higher expectation of themselves and the team around them, their results will follow suit.
Leadership then becomes almost facilitation whilst helping the team to stay focussed on the end goal.
Thanks for the article an ejoyable read.
I hate to be a contrarian as it goes against my nature, but I think I have to here.
I agree that your premise has a kernel of truth to it. If you have a bias against “ugly” people because of what you define as “offensive” then you should adjust your way of thinking. e.g. If your boss is a New Yorker and you’re from Kansas, you are going to have different communication styles. Each of you might see the other as offensive and difficult to work with.
In that situation, the dating approach probably does work. If you find out what makes the New Yorker tick and help him feel good about himself, then your business relationship is likely to improve dramatically.
But, if you are managing someone who truly has an ugly personality, you need to think twice about the “dating game” method of leadership. If your employee is rude, a slacker, unwilling to accept feedback, self-righteous, belittling of others, or any number of other offensive behaviors, now is not the time to enable their issues.
Getting them to like you is not the same as managing them. In management there will always be time when you need to give feedback your employees don’t want to hear.
Yes, there are ways of giving feedback that are respectful to the employee, but you need to shelve your need to be liked. Truly “offensive” employees as just described will probably react very negatively. They certainly aren’t going to like you.
I’ve seen managers give feedback where they try to soften the blow, muddle the message, and the employee walks away thinking the manager agreed with everything that they said. Problem not solved.
All the best!
Melissa
Hi Mellisa,
I like your thinking! Your proactive approach to solving problems with offensive employees is right on. Never should a leader allow problematic behaviors to continue overtly or fester under the radar. A proactive approach is always the best.
I read your post at http://themarketingsurvivalist.blogspot.com/2009/04/is-it-important-to-be-liked.html and liked what you said there.
I do want to be clear as to what I meant about the dating idea.
My suggestion for the dating idea is simply a way to market yourself to others to make yourself more appealing. This helps others become better listeners. I am not suggesting that the reason to engage in the dating mindset is simply to be liked for the sake of self fulfillment.
When it comes to the idea of thinking in terms of “dating” an employee, this is simply the first step in many in properly leading people to be successful on a team. I suggest this as a lens to view others. It is simply a mind frame that will help you be acceptable and welcomed by others. It is actually just a mental tool to help people be less focused on self and more focused on others.
When we do this (like in dating), we are putting effort into putting our best foot forward. When correcting behaviors in others, the offender can tend to adopt a defensive position to justify their actions and resist changing. However, if they are approached by someone that was working to be attractive to them, common sense would dictate that they would be more likely to listen and learn.
It is simply a subtle way of marketing one’s self toward others to smooth communications and lessen resistance.
I hope you can see that my suggestion for dating was not to be liked as the final reason for doing this. It is simply the first of many things needed to be effective in the eyes of the follower.
Thanks for engaging!
~Tom