Do you tell people the truth even when it might hurt them? When something is wrong do you say so? Or do you skirt the truth or even tell little white lies to avoid something unpleasant?
If you have done this, how many white lies have you told to make others feel better?
My wife and I got into this big argument because I didn’t tell her when something looked horrible on her. She is a beautiful woman, but she picked an outfit to wear that didn’t really flatter her when she put it on. She asked me how she looked and I decided to tell one of those white lies and dishonestly told her that she looked good in it. I didn’t want to harm her, I just wanted her to “feel good.”
As you might imagine, the evening didn’t go as I had hoped as she got many other looks at herself throughout the night. Instead of her feeling good as I tried to engineer, she felt quite bad. It turned out that she was quite embarrassed how bad she looked. And I helped her down this terrible path.
As I was getting ready to sleep on the couch that night, I wondered how often this type of dishonesty happens in the realm of personal effectiveness with regard to leadership in the workplace.
Why did I lie? What good did it do. The truth came out anyway. Why try to make people feel good instead of telling the truth?
Speaking to fellow leaders, coaches and experts on the question of dishonesty for the sake of “peace,” I found that there was a real cost at work for telling white lies or “sugar coating” bad news. In addition to showing a huge lack of integrity, when leaders do not tell the truth when speaking to individuals or teams about performance, ideas, etc., it actually undermines everyone’s progress and their eventual level of success. Yet, telling white lies is something that is done every day.
These “little” lies keep pushing people down the wrong path one nudge at a time. Unfortunately, it is more like pushing them off the ship’s plank into shark infested waters. It sets people up for failure.
It is as if leaders say “Hey, here is a tasting pastry treat for you as you travel down that road of yours. I hope you enjoy the little sugary white frosting I put on top.”
But the ugly truth is “the sugar coating of white lies” seems to keep employees (or spouses) happy and moving along on a false sugar rush. The problem is that with all the “white lies” the sugar crash that is coming soon. Instead of facing a difficult or crucial conversation, many leaders just keep feeding them the white lies because it makes them smile for now. They shortsightedly think that it is easier (or less uncomfortable) than telling the truth.
What can you do?
It seems hard, but leaders must say what is so. If performance is good, people should be recognized. If it is not, it needs to be addressed.
Here’s how to keep those fattening and addictive white lies at bay:
1) Understand how to have “difficult conversations” using the Crucial Conversations methodology:
- Be specific about what happened. Avoid watering down the facts.
- Be honest and respectful.
- Discuss what’s recent and relevant.
- Watch for signals that the other person feels unsafe, and take appropriate action.
- Employ active listening skills
2) Make a practice of saying two good things before saying the one negative thing.
People are hungry for praise and recognition, something they don’t get as much of as they should at work or at home. It is important to make sure people understand you do appreciate what they do. But please don’t patronize. Telling someone something nice about themselves that is untrue is just another white lie.
3) Create a Culture of Truth
It is not easy but in order to get truthfulness there must be an environment that demands, respects and allows for trust and honesty. There are many different ways to make this a reality, but it starts with the leader insisting on it and regularly rewarding for it.
“When you make a mistake, you have to acknowledge that is so. If you don’t you are at serious risk of losing all credibility and there is only one way to get it back: Admit you were wrong.” – Dwight Eisenhower
5) Teach how to come prepared with a handful of possible solutions with every WELL-DEFINED issue at hand.
Problems don’t make teams, people and organizations great. Solutions do. Make sure that there is a solution or at least a thought of a solution for every problem that is brought up. Remember the adage – Don’t tell me that it’s raining. Tell me how to build the ark.
6) Teach how to build others up honestly and not falsely
Leaders must ensure that there is little room for spreading rumor and innuendo. It might seem like human nature to backstab and undermine, but that is really only true in TV dramas. Honesty on teams has shown to increase productivity, creativity and reduce absenteeism.
When you work alongside people you don’t trust and therefore don’t like, you’ll find the team becomes dysfunctional and can result in staff turnover, because people are sick of covering for lies.
7) Fire someone at random just for fun to scare everybody else!
Just kidding! That is horrible. Never fire without cause. But, you should not hesitate to remove someone that is not productive or honest. Sometimes by losing one poor performer, a team can be twice as effective!
8) When lies do happen, expose them gently and explain where that lie would falsely lead someone and re-engineer the trajectory with the truth.
People lie. Unfortunately, leaders face this dilemma at some point. It is critical that leaders address them head-on. Once a lie is uncovered, the person lying must do whatever it takes to correct it. That could mean offering an apology, revealing the truth or anything else necessary.
So now what?
I’m out of the doghouse now. So here is how I stay out:
With as much tact as possible, I always tell my wife the truth now. If something isn’t flattering, I will let her know with gentle tact because I love her. That is the truth. If you really care about your company, team and employees you will let them know when those jeans are just too tight. It will save them a whole lot of embarrassment. It will also prove that you care so much about them that you can tell them the truth, even when it is hard to hear.
That is the mark of a true leader.
Are you sugar coating poor performance of an employee? Do you tell people when they are risking failure or do you allow them to fail to not hurt their feelings? Do you avoid honesty so people like you? If so, you could be doing more harm than good.
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Anil Saxena is a Senior Consultant and Business Partner with Coffman Organization
He helps organizations create environments that generate repeatable superior results
Email |LinkedIn|Web |Blog | 888-999-0940 x-730
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This is something I’ve been challenged by — My goals now are to learn to have the difficult conversations and to say nice and positive things on a regular enough basis to absorb the impact of the negative conversations.
I learned 6 years ago to be what is called a compassionate yet unreasonable friend. When you are truly serving others it is imperative to look out for their best interests – regardless. Speak the truth with the right intention and the right delivery. As a husband, I am always on the look out for these “opportunties”.
Be Awesome!
Richard
As a trouble-shooter on many mega projects over the last 30 years, one of the observations seen over an over is that often the culture established from the top of the organization is set up to sugar coat the messages to the boss. For months on end, negative news is suppressed or distorted with these little white lies while the project slips further behind. The more remotely you are located, the more difficult it is to overcome the months of games playing, often times you can’t. The above 8 points are excellent and we should all practice those principles.
And our spouses will love us for it in the long run.
One of the nuances I’ve found useful in truth-saying is learning to “read” the recipient and fashioning your comments so as to meet them a their level. Taking into account their personality and delivery style may give clues to their “reception style”. The no-holds barred individual appreciates a direct, bullet point approach. A more reserved person may hear the message better if delivered with a bit of a preface. I find asking a question first also helps. “May if I share an observation?” Asking permission can open doors and remove barriers and defenses. The “2 strokes before a strike” mentioned above is also a great tool to show that you see the good along with the issue at hand.
I once heard that if we as a society didn’t have the “social tool” know as the white lie then all of society would fall apart. Now, I certainly never fully agreed with this statement, but did see some truth in it. Ultimately I would have to agree with you that it is the sign of a strong character and leader to be honest, even if your honesty isn’t what others are really interested in.