The Best of L2L Blogazine 2009-2010 (Top #9 and 10)

Do you tell people the truth even when it might hurt them? When something is wrong do you say so? Or do you skirt the truth or even tell little white lies to avoid something unpleasant?

If you have done this, how many white lies have you told to make others feel better?

My wife and I got into this big argument because I didn’t tell her when something looked horrible on her.  She is a beautiful woman, but she picked an outfit to wear that didn’t really flatter her when she put it on.  She asked me how she looked and I decided to tell one of those white lies and dishonestly told her that she looked good in it. I didn’t want to harm her, I just wanted her to “feel good.”

As you might imagine, the evening didn’t go as I had hoped as she got many other looks at herself throughout the night. Instead of her feeling good as I tried to engineer, she felt quite bad. It turned out that she was quite embarrassed how bad she looked. And I helped her down this terrible path.

As I was getting ready to sleep on the couch that night, I wondered how often this type of dishonesty happens in the realm of personal effectiveness with regard to leadership in the workplace.

Why did I lie? What good did it do. The truth came out anyway. Why try to make people feel good instead of telling the truth?

Speaking to fellow leaders, coaches and experts on the question of dishonesty for the sake of “peace,” I found that there was a real cost at work for telling white lies or “sugar coating” bad news.  In addition to showing a huge lack of integrity, when leaders do not tell the truth when speaking to individuals or teams about performance, ideas, etc., it actually undermines everyone’s progress and their eventual level of success.  Yet,  telling white lies is something that is done every day.

These “little” lies keep pushing people down the wrong path one nudge at a time. Unfortunately, it is more like pushing them off the ship’s plank into shark infested waters. It sets people up for failure.

It is as if leaders say “Hey, here is a tasting pastry treat for you as you travel down that road of yours. I hope you enjoy the little sugary white frosting I put on top.”

But the ugly truth is “the sugar coating of white lies” seems to keep employees (or spouses) happy and moving along on a false sugar rush. The problem is that with all the “white lies” the sugar crash that is coming soon. Instead of facing a difficult or crucial conversation, many leaders just keep feeding them the white lies because it makes them smile for now.

They shortsightedly think that it is easier (or less uncomfortable) than telling the truth.

What can you do?

It seems hard, but leaders must say what is so.  If performance is good, people should be recognized.  If it is not, it needs to be addressed.

Here’s how to keep those fattening and addictive white lies at bay:

1)      Understand how to have “difficult conversations” using the Crucial Conversations methodology:

• Be specific about what happened.  Avoid watering down the facts.
• Be honest and respectful.
• Discuss what’s recent and relevant.
• Watch for signals that the other person feels unsafe, and take appropriate action.
• Employ active listening skills

2)      Make a practice of saying two good things before saying the one negative thing.

People are hungry for praise and recognition, something they don’t get as much of as they should at work or at home.  It is important to make sure people understand you do appreciate what they do.  But please don’t patronize.  Telling someone something nice about themselves that is untrue is just another white lie.

3)      Create a Culture of Truth

It is not easy but in order to get truthfulness there must be an environment that demands, respects and allows for trust and honesty.  There are many different ways to make this a reality, but it starts with the leader insisting on it and regularly rewarding for it.

4)      Admit Failures Readily

“When you make a mistake, you have to acknowledge that is so.  If you don’t you are at serious risk of losing all credibility and there is only one way to get it back: Admit you were wrong.” – Dwight Eisenhower

5)      Teach how to come prepared with a handful of possible solutions with every WELL-DEFINED issue at hand.

Problems don’t make teams, people and organizations great.  Solutions do.  Make sure that there is a solution or at least a thought of a solution for every problem that is brought up.  Remember the adage – Don’t tell me that it’s raining.  Tell me how to build the ark.

6)      Teach how to build others up honestly and not falsely

Leaders must ensure that there is little room for spreading rumor and innuendo.  It might seem like human nature to backstab and undermine, but that is really only true in TV dramas.  Honesty on teams has shown to increase productivity, creativity and reduce absenteeism.

When you work alongside people you don’t trust and therefore don’t like, you’ll find the team becomes dysfunctional and can result in staff turnover, because people are sick of covering for lies.

7)      Fire someone at random just for fun to scare everybody else!

Just kidding!  That is horrible.  Never fire without cause.  But, you should not hesitate to remove someone that is not productive or honest.  Sometimes by losing one poor performer, a team can be twice as effective!

8)      When lies do happen, expose them gently and explain where that lie would falsely lead someone and re-engineer the trajectory with the truth.

People lie.  Unfortunately, leaders face this dilemma at some point.  It is critical that leaders  address them head-on.  Once a lie is uncovered, the person lying must do whatever it takes to correct it.  That could mean offering an apology, revealing the truth or anything else necessary.

So now what?

I’m out of the doghouse now. So here is how I stay out:

With as much tact as possible, I always tell my wife the truth now.  If something isn’t flattering, I will let her know with gentle tact because I love her.  That is the truth.  If you really care about your company, team and employees you will let them know when those jeans are just too tight.  It will save them a whole lot of embarrassment.  It will also prove that you care so much about them that you can tell them the truth, even when it is hard to hear.

That is the mark of a true leader.

Are you sugar coating poor performance of an employee?  Do you tell people when they are risking failure or do you allow them to fail to not hurt their feelings?  Do you avoid honesty so people like you?  If so, you could be doing more harm than good.

——————–
Anil Saxena is a Senior Consultant and Business Partner with Coffman Organization
He helps organizations create environments that generate repeatable superior results
Email |LinkedIn|Web |Blog | 888-999-0940 x-730

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While advising people in top leadership positions has been going on for a long time (remember that Daniel was Nebuchadnezzar II‘s Executive Coach in Babylon a mere 26 centuries ago), only recently has the term “executive coach” come into vogue.

One of the debates that rages in executive coaching circles is the same as in real estate: location, location, location.

What locations are appropriate for conducting executive coaching?

In “The Sherpa Guide: Process-Driven Executive Coaching” Brenda Corbett and Judith Coleman are strong proponents of the face-to-face approach. “Most communication is visual, nonverbal… Over the phone, visual stimuli are removed. Email takes away even more, stripping inflection and tone of voice from the relationship.”

And while there are few coaches that decry the face to face approach, Cameron Powell, Head Coach at Feroce Coaching indicates that “coaching done by email, Instant Messenger, and telephone, is not only the most prevalent form of non-athletic coaching in the world, it is considered by many to be more effective than doing the same thing in person.”

What form of coaching are you most comfortable with? What do you think is most effective in today’s busy workplace?

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R. Ian Davis is Head Coach at Called2Communicate in Pittsburgh, PA
He serves middle and high-school students in the fine art of communication
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