I write a lot about introversion, because I’m an introvert.
Introversion is a personality preference, based on the way a person has been shaped by experiences and life.
In very simple terms, it means we prefer a world of inner thoughts and reflections over a world of social engagements and interactions with others.
It’s not that we don’t like people, it’s that if we had a preference of how to use our free time, we would mostly spend it in quieter or more controllable environments. Chances are you have lots of introverts on your team, in your organization, as your customers, or even in your family.
I will often get requests to write about extroversion. (Extroverted people are seldom shy about asking for what they want!) The fact is, however, that I’m not as much help on understanding extroversion. Perhaps someone can guest post here sometime.
7 Ways To Help Introverts
I do want to accommodate the requests to help introverts, however, so here is an attempt. Allow me to share 7 ways that extroverts can help introverts:
Give us advance-warning
Don’t put us on the spot for an answer or opinion. We have one, but need time to formulate our thoughts. If you want our best answer, then you can’t demand it immediately from an introvert.
Don’t assume we don’t have an opinion
We do…and it may even be the best one, but we are less likely to share it surrounded by people who are always quick to have something to say and tend to control the conversation.
Don’t assume we are unfriendly or anti-social
We may not be talking, but that doesn’t mean we do not love people or that we don’t want to communicate with them. The opposite is probably more true. We just prefer to do it in less extroverted ways. Plus, we talk one at a time, so if there’s someone always talking, we may not get a chance.
Give us time to form the relationship
Introverts don’t form relationships quickly. We may seem harder to get to know, but when we do connect, we are loyal friends with deep, intimate connections. And we can actually be quite fun…even silly at times.
Allow us time alone
All of us need personal time, but we need even more time alone than an extrovert. We energize during these times, not just relax…there’s a huge difference.
Don’t expect us to always love or get excited about extroverted activities
The social activities where you get to meet all the cool people you do not know…(yea…that’s not too exciting for us.) It may even be a little scary. We’ll find excuses not to go, even if we know we need the experience or will have fun once we do them.
Allow us to use written communication when available
We often prefer emails over phone calls. We are usually more engaging when we can write out our thoughts ahead of time.
Are you an introvert? If so, what would you add to my list? Extroverts, is this helpful information? How do you think you can serve your more contemplative friends? I would love to hear your thoughts!
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Ron Edmondson is Co-Pastor at Grace Community Church
He specializes in Communication, Strategy, Org Behavior, Mgmt and Marketing
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Hi Ron,
Nice post, but I think the intro is a bit misleading. I don’t think introversion is a choice (it’s not for me); it’s about how we energize and/or how to are drained of energy. And introvert is drained when around people while they are energized by alone time, and vice-versa for the extravert.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2178755_live-introvert.html
Much like the gay/straight debate, saying it is a choice gives people an opening to try to change the introvert, and that’s just not the way it works.
Also, while I energize when I’m alone, I’m far from the the guy who doesn’t speak up, while the other description are mostly true of me. So Introvert/Extrovert tendencies are not a binary thing.
Otherwise, great post.
-Mike
Great post and good response. I believe there is always a choice, it perhaps just doesnt feel like it as we often take the path of least resistance. While we may have a preference to be introverted (or extroverted) and these have now become habituated behaviours which feel comfortable, there are situations where introverts need to be extroverted (and vice versa). For example when needing to work with a bunch of extroverts, as you say extroverts will ignore introverts assuming they have nothing to say. And to the extroverts – yes sometimes you need to behave in an introverted way if you want to get the best out of introverts. The answer is be flexible and take opportunities to be introverted and extroverted so that it is easy to behave appropriately in any given situation for optimum results.
“Acting” Extroverted/Introverted and “being” and extrovert/introvert are really two different things. The latter is about how one mentally processes information and how one recharges their energy; that’s not something one can really change. It’s much asking a gasoline powered car to run on pure ethanol; it’ll operate, but only barely.
Spot on Mike, acting and being are 2 different things. Who we are now is a function of behaviours that have become habituated over time. Like any new learning its a bit clunky to start with – remember learning to drive? Trying a new behaviour is no different, its uncomfortable to start with but the more you practise the easier it becomes, and acting becomes being, or the explicit becomes implicit. This venture into the discomfort zone is where people make real progress in personal development and are released from the prison of the comfort zone. I dont understand much about cars but I hear the latest technology is focussed on hybrid models now.
It is sad that so many regard introversion as some kind of disease. We had a discussion recently based upon findings showing that introverted managers were actually better than extroverted ones in many circumstances.
http://www.managers.org.uk/forum/management-news/are-introverted-managers-way-ahead
“It is sad that so many regard introversion as some kind of disease”
Well said.
It is incredible. Often when we first say to extroverted leaders or managers that they need to be able to be a bit more introverted at times to get the best out of people who tend to be introverted they are often shocked they think there is something wrong about being at all introverted. And until they try it out, they cant see any advantage of behaving in an introverted manner, they think the world will stop. Then they try it and a whole new world opens up!
I must say, I was a bit taken aback by the title of this post. Introverts don’t need help from extroverts. Each personality type needs to understand the other for the most positive work and social experiences.
I agree with other commenters, being introverted is not a choice. On every assessment I’ve taken, I am as far on the introvert side of the scale as can be. Yet, most people are surprised when they learn that. I have learned to recognize my style, understand how it reveals itself in my communications and relationships, and make adjustments as needed for the way *I choose* to be.
With this awareness, I also understand how extroverts get their energy and how that impacts their communications and relationships. They don’t need my help, but rather, my understanding.
Perhaps the title and approach in the post could be seven ways introverts can help themselves.
Hi, I can relate to your post entirely, you’ve summed me up to a tee! – I’ve always felt extroverts underestimate the introverts -This is a good post to help the extraverts understand us……Louise
I think a more helpful topic for introverts would be suggestions for team-building events that accommodate both personality types. The extroverts love our events: sorting people into random groups of five or six (none of whom are in the same ‘home team’), doing a bunch of creative and/or physical challenges (like six people standing on one small blanket and turning the blanket over completely without anyone stepping off – REALLY comfortable for introverts), hanging out for a few hours, then having some sort of buffet or pot-luck meal. For the introverts, every aspect of this is torture. I’m another introvert who has learned to fake it to point that only people who know me really well know that I’m passing. I hate the forced fun of these events. As someone who would like to be in management some day, I don’t feel like I can decline participation. As added complication, our department telecommutes most of the time, so team-building events are now mandatory. If help needs to be offered, it should be help with finding good solutions for everyone required to be there – not just forcing the introverts to be mentally drained by the time it’s over by having to join in, or by forcing the extroverts to sit quietly and do some more individualized activities when they’d rather be goofing around with random coworkers for a few hours.