Conventional wisdom tells us to never burn a single bridge in our professional lives because you never know when you might need that relationship again.
I firmly believe that there are going to be circumstances and people that nearly require you to do this:
Burn some bridges so that you will never need to work with those people again.
That’s Right, I Said It…
I have been working for the past 35 years and have learned a thing or two in this time span. For a long time, I followed conventional wisdom and did whatever it took to part ways on a positive note. There are times when the reason I was leaving was more than a promotional opportunity, more money, or a shorter commute.
These are all the generally softer ways of giving notice.
They are often spoken in truth, but many times they are used to cover up the real reasons to avoid burning bridges.
Burning a Few Bridges
As time progressed, I thought it would improve circumstances if I shared the issues that caused me to consider other opportunities, more money, or a shorter commute.
When leaving previous jobs, I did the conventional thing and had candid conversations with Human Resources during exit interviews, explaining the challenges with processes and particular personalities that cause concern and issues in the workplace.
I have spent the past 22 years in learning development, so my core was telling me that people can’t improve until they know that there is a performance gap.
Looking back, I would say that each of those times when I was honest and doing what I thought was helpful, I burned a bridge. I’m not talking about toasting the wood a little; I’m talking about a five-alarm fire, nothing but ashes when I left.
There was no walking back over that puppy after I was finished burning it. The people I left never spoke with me again.
And now I am left to wonder if this is really such a bad thing?
Out of the dozen or so people who would sooner slit their throat than say hello to me, I have to be honest that it doesn’t bother me in the least that they do not care about me.
These were folks that the word ethical wasn’t even in their dictionary. Underhanded, manipulative, rude, and down-right mean are better descriptors of their personalities.
I hated working for them at the time, and after leaving I felt a rush of relief at never having to work with them again.
Although it was not my intention to burn a bridge with these people, the fact remains that I did, and the primary benefit was to never hear from them again.
A Bad Referral Backfires!
When they say we are only separated by about six people from each other at most, (six degrees of separation), it does cause a reduction in referrals and future contacts that might cause these people to question if they should begin a working relationship with you.
Recently I suffered the opposite of that type of disconnect when someone contacted an old manager to find out what kind of training professional I am and what it would be like to work with me.
I know that this must have been this guy’s dream come true to work his magic by telling this new contact what a nightmare I would be to work with.
He said this:
“Jim is a purist when it comes to training and needs to do everything the right way. He plays by the rules and Joan of Arc has nothing on him when it comes to ethics. It makes it challenging to work around him because he is such a goody two shoes.”
Well thanks to these comments, I have a new client that shares my servant leadership style and ethical code.
What my old manager was trying to do was clue in his friend to how difficult it will be to work with a person like me, and at the same time selling the attributes the new client was looking for in a new working relationship.
Now I will be the first to admit this situation was a fluke.
Most of the time when you burn a bridge with someone, that person will have a negative influence over anyone asking about you, not to mention that they will never work with you again.
When I began consulting 6 years ago I was heart-broken that a particular person wasn’t giving me the time of day or throw me a bone’s worth of business.
He was angry over my leaving because as he said, “I don’t want you to go.”
I had a difficult time explaining why I was being called to strike out on my own and go from a reliable income to complete uncertainty as a self-employed consultant. While financially it was not the best decision I’ve ever made, it has brought me innumerable benefits I would not have collected if I had remained.
Finding a Better Route
One of these benefits has been the realization that burning a bridge forces you to find another route.
Without the easy ability to rely on old relationships to fund my new consulting business, I was forced to find new relationships early on and not wait until after the well went completely dry.
While I might have gone along with conventional wisdom in my early working years and left no bridge unburned, I’m glad to look back at a few I burned on purpose and realize that it was for my benefit that I can no longer connect with those people again.
I’ve learned overtime that you can’t fix every relationship, nor should you try.
What bridges have you burned in the past that you are glad you did? What bridges are still in place that should have been burned down? What do you think is wrong with burning a few bridges? I would love to hear your thoughts and stories!
Never miss an issue of Linked 2 Leadership, subscribe today.
Learn, Grow & Develop Other Leaders™
Jim Hopkins is the CEO of JK Hopkins Consulting
He a Consultant, Coach, Author, and Speaker in Organizational & Performance Health
Email | LinkedIn | Twitter | Website | Blog | (562) 943-5776
I think you are entirely right by making ethics the first touchstone. But, where does someone get their ethics? I get them from my religious beliefs (Christianity, of the CS Lewis type), But, there are other ethical systems that will lead their adherents to the “right” solution that we might not think are “right”.
I share your source for ethics myself, and since my religious beliefs began forming as a child, with parents that walked the same talk, it became natural to form business ethics the same way. There are formats available to train business ethics too, and I’ve worked for a few organizations that never left it to chance that employees would discover the right paths and behaviors on their own.
A very well written article! I agree that sometimes its better to tell the truth even if it means that particular bridge is burned. All these phrases are meant to be followed with a grain of salt and certainly in context. One should use their own wisdom to figure out which bridge to cross and which to burn.
Thank you Aditi. I’ve never regretted the bridges I’ve burned because I didn’t react with emotion but rather waited until I looked at all the consequences.
That’s perfect! That’s what emotional intelligence is all about!
Excellent article! I am confident many of us have arrived at the same sense of confidence in having abandoned fruitless endeavors or paths that turned out to be far different than they appeared to be. If you care to read it, one such episode and its well-learned lessons appears in a piece I wrote many years ago. It is on my blog at http://jackdunigan.com/cardboard-elvis. Thanks again for a courageous article.
I’m reminded by a comment made in the course of working out wording for an agreement: “We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”
Your article is spot on. I recently left a senior position with a media organization and wrote a professional email in lieu of an exit interview (I was never asked to do an interview but decided to provide feedback as a courtesy). While I thought that I was doing the organization a favor, I understand that my bosses were none too pleased. Although documented issues and provided specific solutions, I never received any sort of reply. I have since learned that some of the recommendations were in fact acted upon. I wish them no ill will but apparently the felling is not mutual.