We look at other people’s lives and we envy them. They seem to be doing so much better than us. They seem to have it all, and we can’t stop wishing we did, too.
We often blame others for the way we feel—the materialistic culture in which we live, the way media portrays the life that money can bring, or government for not providing us with enough opportunities.
Eventually, however, there is this realization:
No one is perfect. And no one’s life is perfect, whatever it looks like from the outside.
FBI Life Lesson
A life lesson I learned as an FBI agent was that we all engage in patterns of behavior, and if we can find those patterns, we have the tool to change our situation. And more importantly, we can change our response to our situation.
These behaviors either help or hinder us in getting what we want. The key is to sift out the negative ones that don’t serve our best interests and cultivate the ones that do.
You can do this by looking for patterns of how you view yourself, others, career, family—every aspect of your life.
When confronted with a new situation, pay attention to your first response. Once you do, you’ll be able to spot trends. The thing to remember is that all responses have a positive and negative aspect to them so there is no such thing as perfect personality traits.
Spot Your Behavior Trends
Which of the following responses are yours when confronted with a new situation?
Fear And Apprehension
I must be prepared to succeed—the world can be a dangerous place.
I’ll be OK if I can prepare, proceed with caution, and question constantly.
I worry about lack of support or guidance and of being unable to succeed on my own.
- Positive: You are a builder of coalitions and a great team player.
- Negative: You can be immobilized by fear and doubt and miss opportunities all around you, even when things are going well.
Complacency
The world will be OK if I stay calm and connected.
I’ll be OK if there is a stable and predictable environment with a clear delineation of responsibilities.
I’m concerned about getting lost and swallowed up.
- Positive: You are empathic, reliable, warm, and the salt of the earth.
- Negative: You can be very resistant to change and addicted to your habits.
Optimism
The world is a contest that I think I can win.
I’ll be OK if the environment is fast moving, competitive, and entrepreneurial.
I need to be seen in light of my achievements.
- Positive: You are goal-oriented, enthusiastic, and an achiever.
- Negative: You can be a workaholic and sometimes manipulative.
Self Control
There is a right way, and let me tell you what it is.
I’ll be OK if things are in order, I have a clear objective in my work, and there is respect for standards.
I want to be seen as someone with integrity.
- Positive: You are principled, scrupulous, and noble.
- Negative: You can be judgmental, self-righteous, and unforgiving.
Engagement
I can support and empower those around me.
I’ll be OK as long as I’m working with people.
I will appreciate and embrace the new people I meet.
- Positive: You are a generous leader who brings out the best in your employees.
- Negative: You can be a martyr that casts a negative spin on your relationships.
Gather Information
I will succeed by gathering all the information available.
I’ll be OK as long as I can work alone and have few demands for interpersonal relationships.
I like theories and intellectual competition.
- Positive: You are analytical, a self-starter, and respectful.
- Negative: You can be arrogant and a loner.
Take Charge
I am strong and I like to be in charge.
I’ll be OK as I can engage immediately and get a lay of the land.
I like environments that are high risk, high engagement, and high energy.
- Positive: You have a take-charge attitude and make decisive decisions.
- Negative: You can be bossy, insensitive, and confrontational.
Predict Behavior
As an FBI agent, I’ve spent most of my adult life learning how to move into the unknown. By spotting trends in my behavior, I know that I’m one of those achievers who look at the world as something to conquer—a contest I can win. I get bored easily and I like things to move fast. This self-knowledge provides me with critical information when I look at my response to situations and my relationship with other people.
The more you pay attention to your behavior, the better you can predict it. The only person who can change your situation is you. If you ever stop believing this, you’ve pulled the covers over your head and given up.
“He who knows others is learned; he who knows himself is wise.” Lao Tzu
What trends in your behavior have you noticed in yourself? What trends have you noticed in others? What tips do you have to help in spotting those trends?
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LaRae Quy is former FBI Agent and Founder at Your Best Adventure
She helps clients explore the unknown and discover the hidden truth in self & others
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Image Sources: adifferentforest.com
Related articles
- Explaining Media’s Effects (education.com)
- Nine Things Successful People Do Differently (blogs.hbr.org)
- Child Self? Adult Self?–Who’s Running the Show? (psychologytoday.com)
